“As Dr. Peter Levine once said, trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness.”
Unlike many other species, in infancy we are born utterly vulnerable, dependent on caregivers to connect with us and tend to our needs as our brains develop. We call this fundamental need for connection our “attachment,” our closeness and proximity to caregivers for the sake of being looked after safely. It is a non-negotiable need for every infant and creates a pattern through which we view external relationships. As our brains develop, endorphins (produced by the central nervous system and active within opioid receptors) play a major role in facilitating our attachments. They enable us to bond with caregivers and develop safety during infancy. Unfortunately, distress (often referred to as Adverse Childhood Experiences) and trauma can disrupt this process during the first 5-10 years of life. To develop secure connection with caregivers during childhood, we as human beings require 5 pillars of secure attachment:
Pillars of Secure Childhood Attachment:
1.) A sense of felt safety
2.) A sense of being seen and known (attunement)
3.) The experience of felt comfort (soothing)
4.) A sense of being valued (expressed delight)
5.) A sense of support for being and becoming one’s unique best self.
As we develop strengths and challenges around these 5 pillars, they create a pattern through which we relate to others externally. We call this external pattern of connection to others our “attachment style”. When the 5 pillars of connected attachment are unmet during childhood, the pattern may threaten our sense of internal authenticity, the way we relate to and understand ourselves. This means knowing what we feel and being able to act on it, our “gut feelings”. The need for authenticity is critical for survival. For example, as we begin venturing away from our external attachment with caregivers and into the wild we are forced to rely on our internal gut feelings rather than intellect to survive. And so our internal and insecure pattern of connection to others (our “attachment style”) begins to inform and influence our sense of authenticity (understanding and expression of self).
This happens as our insecure external pattern of connection with others can encourage us to suppress internal expression of self and authenticity (acting on our gut feelings) for the sake of remaining socially connected. For the sake of “fitting in” rather than “belonging”. When the need for 5 pillars of secure attachment are unmet, we may adaptively learn to suppress those gut feelings, losing our authenticity, in order to remain connected with others. This adaptation becomes a pattern in which we suppress internal authentic experiences in order to remain connected with others.
As we get older, this deeply rooted conflict between external connection and internal authenticity may develop further as we learn to conform with social norms. We may fall into patterns of suppressing authenticity, disconnecting from our gut feelings and self-expression, in order to remain attached and connected with others. And as we give up our authenticity, we may begin finding ourselves lost in life, disconnected with our reality and sense of self. And this is where the mind-body reconnection is needed for healing. To realign with our internal authentic selves and gut feelings with our external connections. To balance our sense of self with our social bonds and attachments.
Understanding this connection/authenticity conflict as rooted in unmet needs or childhood pain (Adverse Childhood Experiences) may, at a surface level, seem simple. But breaking these patterns is a life-changing process in which we are transforming that pain, and realigning our sense of self to have balanced and connected attachments with others. This allows us to create new meaning in life through experiences, reflections, and attitudes.
Does this conflict, and lack of meaning, arise from unmet needs or trauma?
The short answer is either or both. In many cases, our suppression of self authenticity is a result of unmet connection needs (5 pillars of secure attachment) or adverse childhood experiences. In other cases, these needs may have been mostly met, but a specific traumatic event caused or reinforced the conflict. And in that respect, it is important we recognize “trauma” as a commonly misunderstood concept. People often understand trauma as something that happens “to” you: my parents divorce, my mother’s depression, my father’s alcoholism, my physical or sexual abuse. These events that happen “to” you are not trauma, they are what we call traumatic. As Dr. Peter Levine once said, “trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness.” Trauma, then, is not about the traumatic events that have happened to us, but rather the events that we carry inside us.
When we carry trauma inside us, we are living as if the event is ongoing, disrupting our balance between connection and authenticity. In our mind we begin to develop negative, often shame-based, views of ourselves, others, and the world around us. In our body we begin to get disconnected from our emotions and the present moment. These changes fundamentally alter our senses (of safety, trust, intimacy, esteem, and power/control) and we often begin searching for a way to cope, to manage the pain of this disconnection and balance the brain’s endorphins.
How does this conflict lead to “Addiction”?
The search for relief can often enable a pattern of addictive behavior. Thus, addiction is not the primary problem, but an attempt to solve the problem. And it is often quite effective in the short term, leading to repeated use despite longer-term consequences. As experts such as Dr. Bruce Alexander or Dr. Gabor Mate put it, the question then is not why the addiction, but why the pain? We form addictions (whether to relationships, behaviors, ideologies, or substances) in anything that offers us immediate relief from our pain. This becomes an addiction when the relief is followed by craving, suffering, and impaired control. In other words, addiction is an attempt to resolve underlying pain through a pattern.
1.) short-term gains (relief & craving)
2.) long-term consequence (suffering)
3.) and an inability to stop (impaired control)
How do we heal?
The healing process is not just about recognizing our unhealthy adaptations, our loss of authentic self and connection to others, or even the traumas we carry with us from the past, but recognizing their current manifestations, breaking these patterns, and transcending them in the present. In both attachment or trauma work, this is done through reconnecting with the self in the here and now. Restoring the disrupted connection between mind, body, and spirit that has been lost. When this connection is found again —when we can live by authentically expressing ourselves and intimately connecting with others— it is essentially recovered and we are able to focus on our ultimate task of meaning making through life. This is why we term the phrase “recovery” to mean that we have found something that was once lost, so that we have recovered. So, at its heart, any type of genuine healing should be focused on building connection, authenticity, and meaning. To recover the authentic sense of self and live fully, connected with others, in the present. To be recovered.